A lot of you know thanks to my facebook page that I decided to quit the cigarettes. I walked into the doctors ( chain smoking on the way there) and demanded something that would do it for me as I have no will power what so ever and to be honest, I love smoking. I need it. I like every single one that I smoke. But, the pain in my right lung is so bad, constantly, that I know that I have to stop. Immediately. There is not other incentive other than my health - and sticking around to be here for my children. Watching them suffer from losing daddy and change as people, it gives me a little insight as to what they would be like without me around and it scares the hell out of me if I'm honest. For a split second, I can totally imagine what would be going on - and I don't like it . So, the doctor dishes out Champix. The magic tablet that stops you having cravings. I walked out from the chemist clutching this magic remedy and felt excited but also relieved that the doc had said I can still smoke whilst on the tablets..... I wasnt ready to stop just yet lol... I took the tablets for the first week and smoked quite happily, but didnt like the taste of any of them after the second day. I was determined to keep smoking though , but found that I threw it away after about half. It was only day 4 that I realised, I didnt need any of them really and I had gone from about 40 a day to 6 !!!! WTF ????????? Was this actually working???? I was still frightened of the fact that I had to give up totally within a few days - the packet said that I had to pick a day in the second week. I tried to pretend that day wasnt coming closer. However, I was not enjoying the few ciggies I was having each day and I could see that the desired effect was happening already. So I started this internal battle that went a bit like this, " Stop now - its obviously working as you hate the taste of all the ciggies you are trying to smoke. " " Yes, but..... I don't actually want to stop yet as the packet says I have a few days left, so if they are working and I am stopping for good, then what harm is a few more days of smoking going to do ?" I picked day 11 to quit totally. But day 10 was interesting. I had a scan at the hopsital for a big lump that has appeared a few months ago on my shoulder, base of my neck area. This was causing worry to the kids and me, wondering if I had cancer just like daddy. Even with this stress, I wasnt chain smoking - by 1pm I was on my 3rd ciggie of the day. I was stood in the garden smoking it, thinking how awful it tasted. Then that voice inside said, " It would be much better to quit totally now, in the middle of the day - then tomorrow morning, when you wake up you wont be so daunted by the idea of not smoking." mmmmm, that made sense. The thought of waking up at 7am and realising that I had to do all day was horrible. So, that cigarette at 1pm on day 10 was the last one. It worked - I woke up the next morning, remembering that I had quit the day before and feeling so proud of myself. I didnt crave one at all - I was too focused on being chuffed with myself :) The day was easy and the evening too! I was happy, and surprised at how much time i had to do things - without stopping for fag breaks............ I changed my routine as much as possible - to make sure I didnt feel like I was missing out on something. I always smoked first thing in the morning at the kitchen door. So, now, I jump in the shower before even going into the kitchen. I have had so much support from people on facebook - I cant thankyou all enough. It really does help. If i can get this far after being on 40 a day - then anyone can too. These tablets really have got me this far - without them I wouldnt have had the willpower to even begin quitting. By the second full day of not smoking - the smell of someone who has just had a cigarette is vile. Totally disgusting and i am turning into a hypocrite lol ! But, the smell of someone's hair and breath after smoking makes me want to throw up. I have never ever experienced this before - so in a weird way yet again, it is giving me determinaiton to keep going as I am obviously turning another corner !!! The smell of somebody actually smoking a cigarette is quite nice. But I have the arguement going on in my head permanently - that is keeping me from going and joining them lol. I have a sensible voice in my head for the first time since the year dot !!! I started to cough my guts up this morning and again I was so pelased ! - I saw it as all the shite coming out of my lungs once and for all - and I imagined my lungs beocming clearer and clearer for once. Then as if I needed any more reason or proof that I was doing the right thing and i MUST NOT give up giving up............ Little leila ( aged 9) came up to me and said something that made me realise what a bad bad mother I have been for the last 17 years.......... I was explaining how I cant stand the smell of cigarettes anymore and I was telling them not to worry if Mummy had a chest infection soon as it was a good sign that all the crap is coming out of my chest and it was a positive sign. Leila agreed with me and said that it was really weird, but when she hugged a grown up goodbye last night ,they for the 1st time ever, stank of cigarettes and it made her feel sick. OMFG>>> - Leila was experiencing the same symptoms as me - she was effectively giving up the fags too. Jesus Christ, I went white.... I realised that I have smoked infront of them all their lives, over them to my shame, in the car - everywhere.... This has made me even more determined to not go back . I pray for the strength to be able to carry this on after the tablets stop. I now not only have to get my own body fit, but also my kids. I keep thinking about what Dave would have said or done. I dont know is the honest answer to that. He didnt stop smoking after his diagnosis of cancer. But then, I thought - this isnt about Dave. This, is the start of me rebuilding my life myself. This is my choice. This is my doing. This is me wanting to live my life my way - healthily and being around for the kids. Dave - or anyone else for that matter, is not here to care for the children. Its just me. I want to make sure I am here for them as long as possible. Today is easy - I have had no cravings whatsoever - I am enjoying being able to smell my clean hair and my gorgeous Gucci perfume without the smell of ciggies too. One problem though - my coffee tastes like honey ???? When did that happen ???? :) :) |
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