My Blog

Christmas

28/12/2011 19:21:00

On Valentine's day this year in February, I was so upset, driving along randomly, getting more and more upset about losing Dave and not knowing how to be able to move on and "get better" for the sake of my children, I suddenly heard Dave's voice from the passenger seat saying, " Draw this darling"

I stopped the car so shocked, and grabbed a piece of paper from the footwell and a pen and began to try and draw what he was showing me right in front of my face.

My kids will tell you I cant draw to save my life, but what i drew was clearly a house. I drew everything that Dave was showing me - the leaded windows, the windows in the roof, the tree out front.... i was so excited and heard Dave say !"this is your new home"

I couldnt wait to pick up the children from school and show them. I told them it was our house in america that we would one day live in. It stayed pinned on the fridge ever since as my incentive and promise that Dave was moving us forward.

After that, for weeks, I kept hearing him say " San Antonio" to the point where he was beginning to drive me mad. I had never heard of such place and didnt understand. Until, that is, work enquiries came from......... yep........ San Antonio, Texas.

Me and the children were all so excited and couldnt wait to go there and see the place for ourselves.

We spent 4 amazing weeks touring different states with The Faulkner Tarot Deck and Brian's Deck.

We got to San Antonio first and stayed in a hotel. Met some lovely lovely people connected to the church out there where I was working, that felt like family and that we had known each other for years, but had actually only met there and then. I have to admit, I was a bit worried whilst in downtown that Dave would want us to live there, as it didnt feel like a place i could raise my children - remember I am a country girl :) and this was more like a big city.

UNTIL....... we drove to the church.. all around it, were houses that looked EXACTLY like the drawing......

So much so, that I went straight to an estate agent out there and enquired about houses. What an amazing and helpful guy ! He instantly began searching properties, based on my picture that I emailed to him the day I got home.

I trust my Dave that much, that I put my house on the market as soon as we got home and I told the kids we were moving to Texas. They we so excited and all desperate for a fresh new start and a chance to rebuild our lives.

I sold the house, and ALL our furniture and belongings ( de-cluttering to the extreme) just leaving our clothes and mattresses to sleep on , oh and a few toys for Dan the man :) and rented a house nearby.

End of august, I began to get dreams of a kitchen that I knew was in the right house. I kept dreaming of the same part of the kitchen too over and over.

Daves messages were so strong and I have trusted him 100% knowing he is the only one who won't let us down or leave us, that i took the children to San Antonio this christmas to find the right house once and for all. There was no point in spending christmas at home, buying them presents that they wouldnt be able to take out with them in a few months.

We arrived at the airport, and hailed a taxi to take us to the airport. It wasa female driver called Sonia who turned out to be an absolute heaven sent angel the whole week, having knowledge of the area and schools etc.

We met up with the wonderful earth angel Pliny the estate agent and set off to find our house.

The first day we went to see 7 beautiful houses that the kids would happily of lived in but it didnt match out drawing, so the answer was no.

The second day, we met up with Pliny in his office and he said he had been up late adding more properties to the list for us. I looked at the one on his screen and said I could feel it was going to be a positve day today. 8 more properties to go and see, so we set off immediately.

The first house we got to, I looked at it and thought it was amazing, but i got out the car, saw all the girls getting out and falling in love with it instantly so i said, " but its not the one - it doesnt look like the drawing at all - dont get excited"

Well.......... I walked in the house and loved it.... walked to the kitchen and nearly collapsed. it was the kitchen I had been dreaming of. I went straight to the door to the utility room that was in my dream to double check and promplty burst into tears. I was walking in the kitchen that Dave had been showing me for months. I hadnt even seen the rest of the house, I didnt know there was an upstairs at this point. All the kids jumped up and down and were asking if we could have it. I walked outside to the "yard" - not garden lol - and Stephie said, " Mummy, look the back of the house its just like your picture!!"

She was right. Trust Dave to do that to me :) :) Always liked to joke...

The people we bought from were such a lovely couple. So helpful and have even helped me kit it out with furniture that they cant take with them. I said to them that I have been dreaming of their kitchen since august and they explained to me that august was when they completely refitted it to the way it is now !!!!!!!

We spent the rest of the week in the hotel, getting to know our new town and spent the entire time in a completely different part to where we visited in August for my work. We thought we knew the town , but realised last time, we only touched on a quarter of it. We found whole new shopping centres, museums, walks and we even hotted up on the history and loved it !!

We had a christmas tree the size of my foot, on an upturned rubbish bin in the hotel room and Father Christmas still managed to find us. Christmas dinner in a restaurant for the first time ever was brilliant - no brussel sprouts :)

When we were leaving, Daniel said, " Mummy Im going to miss it here. I want to stay."

That made all of his sisters and mummy very very happy.

Here's hoping, Team Faulkner has found a place where we can start to be happy again. As long as we have each other, we are going to be fine.

It has been so emotional, hearing my Daves voice every step of the way and doing as he is telling me on such a grand scale on the other side of the world. But we are still very much together, he has brought amazing people to help us and knowing he is taking us to a new start that is right for US is overwhelming. I have had to sneak off to the toilets to have a little cry every now and then, but I have been proud of myself for achieving a week away with the kids on my own and my God am I so proud of them ! I really do have the best children in the world.

Happy Christmas everyone xxx

Quitting the cigarettes...........

02/07/2011 10:39:00

A lot of you know thanks to my facebook page that I decided to quit the cigarettes.

I walked into the doctors ( chain smoking on the way there) and demanded something that would do it for me as I have no will power what so ever and to be honest, I love smoking. I need it. I like every single one that I smoke.

But, the pain in my right lung is so bad, constantly, that I know that I have to stop. Immediately. There is not other incentive other than my health - and sticking around to be here for my children. Watching them suffer from losing daddy and change as people, it gives me a little insight as to what they would be like without me around and it scares the hell out of me if I'm honest. For a split second, I can totally imagine what would be going on - and I don't like it .

So, the doctor dishes out Champix. The magic tablet that stops you having cravings.

I walked out from the chemist clutching this magic remedy and felt excited but also relieved that the doc had said I can still smoke whilst on the tablets..... I wasnt ready to stop just yet lol...

I took the tablets for the first week and smoked quite happily, but didnt like the taste of any of them after the second day. I was determined to keep smoking though , but found that I threw it away after about half.

It was only day 4 that I realised, I didnt need any of them really and I had gone from about 40 a day to 6 !!!! WTF ????????? Was this actually working????

I was still frightened of the fact that I had to give up totally within a few days - the packet said that I had to pick a day in the second week. I tried to pretend that day wasnt coming closer. However, I was not enjoying the few ciggies I was having each day and I could see that the desired effect was happening already. So I started this internal battle that went a bit like this, " Stop now - its obviously working as you hate the taste of all the ciggies you are trying to smoke. " " Yes, but..... I don't actually want to stop yet as the packet says I have a few days left, so if they are working and I am stopping for good, then what harm is a few more days of smoking going to do ?"

I picked day 11 to quit totally. But day 10 was interesting. I had a scan at the hopsital for a big lump that has appeared a few months ago on my shoulder, base of my neck area. This was causing worry to the kids and me, wondering if I had cancer just like daddy. Even with this stress, I wasnt chain smoking - by 1pm I was on my 3rd ciggie of the day. I was stood in the garden smoking it, thinking how awful it tasted. Then that voice inside said, " It would be much better to quit totally now, in the middle of the day - then tomorrow morning, when you wake up you wont be so daunted by the idea of not smoking."

mmmmm, that made sense. The thought of waking up at 7am and realising that I had to do all day was horrible.

So, that cigarette at 1pm on day 10 was the last one. It worked - I woke up the next morning, remembering that I had quit the day before and feeling so proud of myself. I didnt crave one at all - I was too focused on being chuffed with myself :)

The day was easy and the evening too! I was happy, and surprised at how much time i had to do things - without stopping for fag breaks............

I changed my routine as much as possible - to make sure I didnt feel like I was missing out on something. I always smoked first thing in the morning at the kitchen door. So, now, I jump in the shower before even going into the kitchen.

I have had so much support from people on facebook - I cant thankyou all enough. It really does help.

If i can get this far after being on 40 a day - then anyone can too. These tablets really have got me this far - without them I wouldnt have had the willpower to even begin quitting.

By the second full day of not smoking - the smell of someone who has just had a cigarette is vile. Totally disgusting and i am turning into a hypocrite lol ! But, the smell of someone's hair and breath after smoking makes me want to throw up. I have never ever experienced this before - so in a weird way yet again, it is giving me determinaiton to keep going as I am obviously turning another corner !!!

The smell of somebody actually smoking a cigarette is quite nice. But I have the arguement going on in my head permanently - that is keeping me from going and joining them lol. I have a sensible voice in my head for the first time since the year dot !!!

I started to cough my guts up this morning and again I was so pelased ! - I saw it as all the shite coming out of my lungs once and for all - and I imagined my lungs beocming clearer and clearer for once.

Then as if I needed any more reason or proof that I was doing the right thing and i MUST NOT give up giving up............ Little leila ( aged 9) came up to me and said something that made me realise what a bad bad mother I have been for the last 17 years..........

I was explaining how I cant stand the smell of cigarettes anymore and I was telling them not to worry if Mummy had a chest infection soon as it was a good sign that all the crap is coming out of my chest and it was a positive sign. Leila agreed with me and said that it was really weird, but when she hugged a grown up goodbye last night ,they for the 1st time ever, stank of cigarettes and it made her feel sick. OMFG>>> - Leila was experiencing the same symptoms as me - she was effectively giving up the fags too. Jesus Christ, I went white.... I realised that I have smoked infront of them all their lives, over them to my shame, in the car - everywhere.... This has made me even more determined to not go back .

I pray for the strength to be able to carry this on after the tablets stop. I now not only have to get my own body fit, but also my kids.

I keep thinking about what Dave would have said or done. I dont know is the honest answer to that. He didnt stop smoking after his diagnosis of cancer. But then, I thought - this isnt about Dave. This, is the start of me rebuilding my life myself. This is my choice. This is my doing. This is me wanting to live my life my way - healthily and being around for the kids. Dave - or anyone else for that matter, is not here to care for the children. Its just me.

I want to make sure I am here for them as long as possible.

Today is easy - I have had no cravings whatsoever - I am enjoying being able to smell my clean hair and my gorgeous Gucci perfume without the smell of ciggies too.

One problem though - my coffee tastes like honey ???? When did that happen ???? :) :)

My fabulous day.

17/06/2011 14:28:00

I wanted to share with you my fabulous day. It started off rather boring and mundane, having to go and get the food shopping done for our camping trip at the weekend.

I am into this new sport called planking - purely to be able to be the most embarrassing parent in Devon of course. For those of you new to this idea, let me explain the rules. You have to make yourself look like a plank of wood in random places and get photographic evidence. Done the indoor ones the other day - the office desk was by far the best - please see below :

So whilst out, I thought I would up the stakes a bit and go for public pictures..... - the Co-Op trolley.....

The Wall Plank ( in the rain may I add, making it particularly impressive and worth more points in my opinion)

This has by far been the funniest day I have had in a long time. I can almost hear my Dave in heaven muttering under his breath but I am sure it made him giggle like it did me. Just waiting for the kids to come home from school now, log onto their facebook pages and see their embarrassment of a mother !!!!

Hoep you all had a great day too - fancy challenging me to a plank ? :)

Love a soggy Rhiannon x

This is new....

14/06/2011 14:16:00

Life is changing here at Team Faulkner. I have for a long time realised that I am on my own and will more than likely be like this for ever - because of my own choice.

I have put my wedding rings back on - my anger stage of grief has gone. I now feel small and vulnerable and left behind, wearing the rings today doesnt cause me to have flash backs like they did the first year of being widowed, but now , instead they make me feel safe - like Dave is still the one that is looking after me - I still " belong" to him if you like.

Since Hannah my eldest passed her driving test - the same week that I was up in court with yet more points on my license, she has become like a right arm to me. Am I worried that I rely on her too much to fill Dave's shoes ? Yes. But then again, I can see the dynamics of team faulkner changing wonderfully, where the little ones have two crazy chicks at the head of the house, running everything from work to mealtimes. Hannah doing the school runs for me everyday as I am too scared to drive again really, is allowing me to work more, instead of having to stop at 3pm. This is totally new for me - NEVER have I had anyone help me by doing the school runs - even when i had two high street shops, it was always up to me to fetch the kids form three different schools. So now, I can work a proper day - which has cut my stress and frustration completely. as all working mothers will know, its so bad to never actually be able to finish something you are doing, because you have to put your other hat on - the one of mother and cook !

Well Hi everyone :)

10/06/2011 18:47:00

Well, here I can do what I love best - write.

I will endeavour to update this as much as possible - so come back soon .

If you guys have any questions about me and my family ( polite ones only lol), then feel free to post them.....

Love Rhiannon xxx